Parenting Style: The Role of Fathers with Daughters and Sons
Transcript. Anna Maria Chiesa, Ph.D.: People often say that nowadays fathers help around more. That's an issue we should reflect upon. When we say "help". Children with involved dads are less likely to break the law and drop out of school. Guided by close relationships with father figures, these kids. Over the years of working with men in therapy, I discovered that the issues that so often come up could often be traced back to father son relationships.
Personally, I have twice attempted to untie this knotfirst with my father and much later with my own son.
Keys to A Great Father-Child Relationship | HealthyPlace
These were largely unpleasant memories of abuse at the hands of my father, which he called discipline. I wanted to try to deal with this upsurge of memories and intense resentment that was coming from deep within me. This created a stalemate between us, and every time I saw him I was tense and would entertain vengeful fantasies. As part of my own therapy, I was able to vent intense feelings of righteous anger, victimization, and outrage.
This ongoing venting of rage and hurt eventually opened up a totally unexpected memory.
I came to realize that there had been a time when I was really young where I actually had wanted something from my father. It was a shock to have this memory. I also came to realize that this did not change anything with him, but it meant a lot to me to uncover this wanting feeling for him. Unfortunately, nothing in the realm of relationship was possible with my father.
So I had to let go and feel the pain of that old rejection and my anger, and then I was able to disengage and move on. When I had a son of my own, I was tested as a father myself.
The first early years with my son started off really well, but as he developed and became more autonomous and defiant, sadly, I was unable to manage my reactivity to his testing of boundaries, etc. Here it was happening to me, not as extreme, but still a strained relationship, and this broke my heart that I was still so psychologically immature. I ended up on quite a roller coaster of a ride as a father. My son is now a grown man and we are currently sorting out our relationship.Sadhguru on Family & Father-Son relationship
Now I am the father open to dealing with the issues with my own son. I am willing to acknowledge my shortcomings and listen to his childhood experiences, as painful as they are to hear.
We are slowly making our way through our troubled history moving towards something of a relationship.
As men face the truth about their father-son bond, they will experience both pain and liberation. And it's important to note that this father figure doesn't have to be a biological father in order for children to benefit.
It can be an adoptive father, stepdad, or an adult male in the household. Researchers at the University of Oxford in England reached the same conclusion about the link between paternal involvement and academic success in their study of 17, British school children.
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Says psychologist Eirine Flouri, one of the study's authors, "An involved father figure reads to his child, takes outings with his child, is interested in his child's education, and takes a role equal to the mother's in managing his child. Dad's Impact on His Sons Besides those benefits, there are some positives specific to a good father-son relationship.
For example, the researchers at the University of Oxford also report that boys who have involved fathers are less likely to get in trouble with the police as they get older. Other pluses, according to experts: A good dad can be a positive role model for boys and help them to adopt a healthy gender identity as well as a better awareness of their feelings and emotions.
However, someone other than the boy's birth father can provide a beneficial male influence. Single mothers can find alternative role models for their boys in an uncle, grandfather, or good friend.
If no relatives or close acquaintances are available, then mentoring programs such as Big Brothers can provide a willing volunteer.