Why Couples Fight: The Top 5 Issues | Science of People
We quarrel most with family and friends – imagine that! – but also with people on TV, or politicians and groups we don't like. We can even quarrel with conditions. What have you realized are the most common issues people get angry about?" the differences in sex drives can cause a lot of problems in a relationship. . We can even get jealous of our partner's friends, family members. It is no secret to anyone who is either married or in a committed intimate relationship that quarrels occur from time to time. For some couples these times are few.
Many arguments that begin with a legitimate complain spiral downward because no one is willing to admit to having made a mistake. To make such an admission feels like a humiliation or surrender to one or both of the spouses and, so, they continue to argue, with increased vigor, because each is now competing to win a debate or a court trial with each the opposing attorney.
To score more points, each goes further and further back into the past, digging up ancient and irrelevant complaints, obscure occurrences and petty differences. As frustration mounts, so does the anger until they each stop arguing out of sheer exhaustion or pure frustration. The end result is nothing more or less than alienation.
Couples and Quarrelling - Family Issues And Relationship Issues Topic Center
Why would a couple seek counseling when they rarely, if ever quarrel? The answer is that they do not quarrel because one of them walks out of the room the minute a hot issue is raised. This is not a role that shifts but is perpetrated by the one spouse over and again, driving the other mate to feel utterly frustrated.
Most often I have heard this complaint from women about their husbands. In other words, these are men who refuse to fight, respond to a question or resolve an issue.
The more she gets angry the more silent he becomes. It is just no possible to have an argument with someone who refuses to argue.How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship and Resolve Conflict in Marriage
Of course, what he is doing is saving up all kinds of grievances that he may or may not be aware that he has against her.
The problem with this husband is that one day he explodes into uncontrollable anger over some utterly minor issue. With small annoyances mounting for months or years these men reach a "boiling point" where they explode in a way that shocks and surprises even them selves. After this cathartic experience, this man then returns to his quiet tranquility once again, leaving his wife completely confused and, of course, angry.
There are those people who place the blame constantly on the other. Let us take a fictional example of this blaming scenario: The couple has three children, all elementary school age.
One of them has been diagnosed with a learning disability and the youngest sibling may have a similar problem. For example, be aware of that sense of revving up, pushing against, being right, and driving your view home that is so characteristic of quarreling. Does this feel good? Is this good for me? Are the results good? What would my relationships be like if I did not quarrel in them? Try a different approach: If it comes to this, let the other person, not you, look over-heated and argumentative.
His or her words can pass on by like a gust of air swirling some leaves along its way. Find something you can agree upon and start there.
Look Underneath the Argument This is the hardest one, but the most important. Sometimes there are underlying issues beneath the gridlocked issue. Are there value-based differences?
I am very upset right now. I need more help around the house. Why do you feel that way?
I feel overworked and overwhelmed with the stuff that needs to be done. Why do you feel overwhelmed?
- Couples and Quarrelling
- Why Couples Fight: The Top 5 Issues
It just feels like it all lands on me at the end of the day. Why do you feel it all lands on you? Why does that happen? It makes me feel underappreciated. Okay, now they are onto something! Yes, help around the house is great, but it all boils down to feeling underappreciated.