How to Stop Being a Possessive, Controlling Partner - Being Ridiculously Good at Life
See Step 1 to be on your way to being a less controlling person. You may be controlling in your friendships or relationships because you feel that people. If so, it's probably hurting your relationships and causing you stress. While there's no magic solution to stop being controlling, there are simple things you can do. Do you relationship Control Issues? Here are the two kinds of controlling people, the most common controlling behaviors, and 4 ways to be less.
For example, we may on some core level feel unlovable or like no one would ever choose us. This negative self-concept can lead us to act out all kinds of jealous or insecure behaviors with our partner. We may act victimized and wounded by any comment or action that we can construe as disregarding or rejecting. All of these behavior patterns have a lot more to do with us than our partner. And most of them have deep roots in our past.
As children, we developed strategies or defenses in an effort to protect ourselves from difficult or painful conditions. These early experiences shaped our expectations about relationships and the defenses we formed then still play out in our lives today.
That is why making sense of our own past and exploring our early attachment patterns can be very helpful in understanding our feelings of possessiveness as adults. As adults, we may project these feelings onto our partner, feeling like we need to make things happen, remind them to notice us, etc. We may have a lot of anxiety about their movement, fearing rejection or abandonment.
How to Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship
As a result, we relive the past, clinging or making efforts to control our partner, so we can feel secure. Unfortunately, because these feelings are rooted in our history, we rarely, if ever, get the reassurance we seek from acting out our old defenses in the present.
Instead, we repeat patterns from our childhood, acting on our insecurities, and often pushing our partner further away in the process. The patterns and defenses we form growing up may have been adaptive to our childhood, but they can hurt our current relationships.
However, there are real steps we can take to break patterns of defensiveness and achieve an equal and trusting relationship. Enhance our sense of self — If insecurity is at the root of our possessive behavior, we have to start to look at ways to bring more self-compassion into our lives.
We have to take steps to overcome our inner critic and truly accept that we are worthy and okay on our own, independent of anyone. We are strong and capable.
Even if our worst fears come true, and our partner does reject or betray us, we have to know that our world will not end. Resist engaging in jealous, authoritative, or punishing behaviors — Actions like surveillance will only alienate our partner and drive a wedge between us.
Plus, they lead us to feel bad about ourselves. No matter how anxious it makes us, we have to resist the urge to exert power over our partner. He better not think he can just goof off every weekend.
Current events trigger old, primal pain. Making sense of our story by creating a coherent narrative of our past can lead us to a great sense of self-understanding. It can help us know our triggers and feel calmer in the present.
Therapy can also be a life-changing tool when it comes to understanding and overcoming these feelings. Find ways to calm your anxiety — There are many methods for calming our anxiety.
What do they do or fail to do that keeps you from considering them as an equal? Usually, the answers are lead back to self prescribed deficiencies. You are most likely projecting these deficiencies onto your partner because you do not want to claim responsibility for them yourself.
For example, you may be shy and your partner may be very friendly.
Be Mine: Dealing with Possessiveness in a Relationship - PsychAlive
Secretly, you know you act shy because you are afraid of getting to know people and become nervous when meeting anyone. Thus the cycle of accusation and jealousy begins. This cycle will never step as long as you see the problem beginning with your partner when it truly begins with yourself. You do not fully respect yourself enough to change the aspects within you that you dislike or see as anti-progressive.
You do not want to face your insecurities, so you give the power away to your partner and blame them for your inner lack of content. You must claim back your power and responsibility and stop expecting your partner to make you fully happy. Sometimes the mistrust and disrespect actually do have appropriate grounds.
You may behave in this way because of mistakes your partner has made e. Again, this only points back to a lack of self respect. If you are mistreated, you are better off leaving the relationship and finding someone who treats you well. But this requires a great amount of conviction, which most people who lack self respect do not usually have. Thus they stay in the relationship in hopes of changing their partner. Trying to Change Your Partner This matter is easily resolved. Why did you choose to be with your partner?
People do not adopt an entire new set of habits and tendencies once you two become official. Partners must communicate in order to express their feelings and concerns.
8 Ways to Avoid Being Too Controlling in Your Relationship
A loving partner will do his or her best to make the relationship more comfortable. Yet there is a huge difference between trying to change your partner and trying to grow with them. You can not mold your partner into an idealized shell of what you consider the right partner for you.
You can only grow with your partner. Growing with your partner requires self growth first and foremost. If you can not grow with your partner, the relationship is futile, and it is best for both of you that you call it quits. Trying to change your partner will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever work. Jealousy also requires self exploration. We become jealous and envious because we are uncomfortable with our partners loving other people.
When this becomes inappropriate, then that is a cue for us to talk to our partners about it lovingly. If this continues to happen, then we need to leave.
Yet most possessive and controlling partners do not have a righteous grounds for their jealousy.
We become jealous because we feel threatened.